Hell's Gate

Just got back from Hell's Gate National Park, the place where the Lion King and one of the Tombraider movies were filmed. We got there at 7:00 am and stayed until 6:00 pm. There are no fences in the park and we saw zebras, giraffes, Antelopes, Warthogs, Buffalos, Elands, and a bunch of birds. There are leopards, cheetahs, and hyenas in the park but we didn't see any. Also saw the gorge where Mufasa died. It was pretty treacherous in all fairness.
The absence of fences and the presence of deadly animals made me think a lot about self defense, and how I would fight the different animals. This is the Aaron Lesser guide to survival in the African wilderness based entirely on thoughts I had while deliriously wandering around in the sun today.
For the sake of argument, I'm going to assume you have access to a slightly sharp and sturdy stick and a large rock.
Leopards, cheetahs, and other big cats: Stare into the cats eyes. Do not break eye contact. If you have yarn or anything like that, use it. Wait for the cat to charge (it will) and hold your sharpened stick at a 45 degree angle to the ground. The rest should take care of itself.
Warthogs: Make sure you stay on your feet. Short, quick kicks to the head should make the warthog lose its appetite for mischief pretty quickly.
Hyenas: Despite their reputation, these are really dangerous. Be sombre and firm with hyenas.
Buffalo: I have no idea what I would do if a buffalo charged me.
Giraffe: It's all about the legs, hit the knees with your stick. Make sure you don't stand about 10 feet from the giraffe because then you're in the wheelhouse of its deadly swinging neck bashes.
Zebra: Your best bet is to execute a leaping mount. You'll know the zebra that was meant for you because it will try to kill you.
Antelope: Duck and cover, they just jump over you.

Sorry if this seems scattered, I'm writing this while watching the super bowl and I've been awake and in the sun for a lot of hours. I'm watching the game at the U.S. embassy. There's a law that all bars in Kenya must close at 11:00 pm, but because this bar is technically U.S. territory, no rules.
We're watching the game on AFN, (Armed Forces Network) a network that caters specifically to American soldiers abroad. None of the regularly scheduled commercials are on. Instead there's just Colin Powell and someone named Robert M. Gates looking right into my eyes thanking me for my sacrifice to the country and telling me that I'm enabling everyone to watch back home. I'm starting to feel guilty because this praise is obviously not meant for me. Besides that there are a few racist commercials about a Chinese sensei teaching a soldier about benefits he can get when he returns from duty as well as a two second commercial promoting House.
On a side note, I really liked all the patriotism before the game. I have a few suggestions for next year:

• Have celebrities read every word of the constitution and all the amendments, preferably one word at a time.
• Instead of yellow flags have the officials throw American flags when someone commits a penalty.
• Have a Toby Keith be the honorary quarterback for a play.
• Burn an effigy of King George III.

This happened: my political science professor introduced himself and said he had three official kids, paused, and then did not elaborate.
Until next time.

Aaron